During training week we talked a lot about cultural adjustments and the variety of phases you can go through when adjusting to a new country….I feel like just within the past few days I’ve gone through some extremes…I came here very excited and loved the fact I was in a high rise building in the middle of a big city, and now I’m feeling more unsafe than ever before I think. I woke up at 1am smelling smoke and convinced myself the building was on fire again…so I tried to start running down the stairs but 32 flights was just way too much…and the smoke was making me feel light headed….and no one else was doing it with me so I returned to the elevators. A man was there who explained the fire earlier was an electrical fire, although the doormen all said someone put a cigarette in the trash shoot. Once I got to the bottom, the doorman explained that there is still smoke as residue, but nothing was on fire.
I felt like I was breathing in smokey air in all night. I Covered my face with pillows, opened the door to the outside to let some polluted “fresh” air in, and checked the window whenever I heard a siren in the distance. I really thought I might die that night. I kept waking up throughout the night begging God for peace of mind. All night I had convinced myself that my apartment was on fire. I felt so unsafe. I kept flashing back to a conversation with my dad about people and how we feel we are entitled to life…to every day…to a future…when that is a privilege and not a right. But I wanted the privelege of another day so badly. I kept begging God that this wouldn’t be my last night…that I could please have not just one more day but many others. Crazy, right? I really was going crazy. I texted the other interns at 4am asking if i could come over before realizing I probably shouldnt be walking the streets at 4am. I kept remembering a sermon at Spring Garden where Greg used example after example of death in the Bible, where it seemed almost irrational and too insanely harsh for God to allow, but he proposed that maybe death isn’t necessarily a punishment in this life, but a great act of mercy, and that our perspective on death might just be a little off. I totally got it...and agreed...and kept trying to find peace in that.......but couldn't help really really not wanting to die. selfish me.
Clearly I am struggling. And so soon after my arrival. At this point I’m wondering what I’m doing with my life, and really missing my fiancé, my family, and my friends….and internet at home, tv shows like the office, organization…and “being green.” I feel like I should wear a mask at all times to prevent my body from ingesting so much pollution.
Plus I was sure going into this that I would be able to eat all this fresh food from markets and stuff…which I’ve seen none…and its quite the opposite of that. Lots of fatty foods…lots of sugar...not too much that’s good for you. I really miss edamame and hummus. The interns here have even had to join a gym to try to maintain weight. I thought this year I could lose a ton of weight since I would be walking and eating pomegranates every day. I would look great right before my wedding and it would all be perfect but that fantasy has been shattered, as well. Not a pomegranate in sight.
I’m going to try to get out of here and spend a few hours at starbucks before work maybe….if I can find it. Good part about jet lag is I’ve been able to easily wake up really early. I’m really liking that.
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